Where are you called on your journey?

I journeyed this weekend on a brief but deep women’s weekend retreat in the remote pine wood hills of eastern WA.    It was a worthy adventure.  

Where are you called to journey?  Cultivating leadership involves continuous cultivation of personal learning.   As leaders, many of us only lead well to the edge of our own comfort zone, so continuously stretching that zone increases the range of territory in which we can truly lead.

Over the weekend, we were immersed in creativity, myth, and metaphor, and far removed from computer connections.  Coyotes sang at night, wild turkeys grumbled to each other during the day, and the rain fell.

I was most grateful for the opportunity to paint in the warmth and glow of a wood-heated studio, my process witnessed by gifted facilitators and dear friends.  I was able to face the large, open canvas and let my life speak.  What do I love? 

Not holding any image or expectation, I simply listened. Which size brush?  Which color? Which shape?  

Gradually, I found myself reliving the last year of my inner journey – in color and emotion, unfolding under my hand and before my eyes.  At one point, surrendering to longing, I abandoned the brush, dipping my fingers into reds and yellows and allowed life force to flow through.  Layers of paint revealed greater complexity and nuance, and an emerging, maturing sense of grace.

When I was done, there was more of me.  Finally, growing up.

The reading, below, weaves into this story.  Welcomed into the retreat space with these words, I knew immediately that I wanted to share them.  However, there is a twist.    

Embarking on a year of reclaiming and growing into my own fullness, vs. searching for fulfillment in relation with another, and having recently finished the above painting of my own fullness, I initially mis-read one line.  “May the one you long for long for you”  I entered, as I typed before bed, as  “may the one you long for be you.”  Few letters, big meaning.

Hmmm.  I fell asleep in front of the fire, contemplating the possibility that perhaps life is best in when both are true.

This morning, I woke in the rain and slipped my way back down the hill to the painting studio.  I painted another painting. Or, perhaps more accurately, another painting painted me.  This is its own story.  To suffice for now though, what amazed me most, was to see, side by side, these two paintings, each representing a different read of that one line, and how potent the combination. Each, unique, complete, settled,  and whole.  And both, together, somehow more than the sum of the parts.

Where are you called on your journey?  

What will help you emerge into your own wholeness?

Where do you need to listen?

Turn up your inner radar, and read on….. (and revisit.. I’ll figure out how to post those paintings…!)

For Longing

Blessed be the longing that brought you here

And quickens your soul with wonder.

May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire

That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.

May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease.

To discover the new direction your longing wants to take.

May the forms of your belonging – in love, creativity, and friendship –

Be equal to the grandeur and call of your soul.

May the one you long for long for you.

May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.

May a secret Providence guide your thoughts and nurture your feelings.

May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which your body inhabits the world.

May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.

May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.

May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

By John O’Donaghue

What are the seeds of your longing?

What is longing for you?

“Observe, Notice, Course Correct”

“We are what we repeatedly do.”  Aristotle

What will help you be your own best ally?  The more you can coach yourself towards a vibrant spirit and healthy leadership, the more effective and satisfied you will be.  What will help you live “observe, notice, course correct”, with clarity and compassion?

Have clarifying coaching sessions with yourself.  Stop the action.  Step back.  Gently and clearly reflect on your thoughts, emotions, choices, and actions.  At its core, the compassionate observer pays attention.

·      What are you noticing?

·      What are you learning? 

·      What matters most?  

·      How can you best support your own success? 

Do this in a consistent time frame each day.   It is easier to form a new habit this way. By strengthening this muscle on a regular basis, the more available it will be in the heat of the moment, which is when we need it most! 

Most of my clients do this at the end of the workday, tied in with a reflective practice that helps them clarify their planning for the next day. Some people are best at this in the morning though, and some end their day this way.  You get to experiment: what works best for you?  Observe… Notice… Course Correct….  

Remember the tone and feel that you bring to this is as important as the questions you ask.  Let yourself  be curious, caring, and clear.

Start with observing.  You can use the video camera image, from the first part of this series, or you can guide your mind in the following ways, both of which can help you get ‘you’ out of the way:

Think about one of the most supportive, compassionate people you know, and see yourself through their eyes.    What do they see?  Where would they encourage you to focus?  (This is not about them; this is about you using your sense of them to help you see yourself through new eyes.)

Imagine that you are actually observing someone else, even though its really you that you are watching.  Then ask yourself, if I were coaching or mentoring someone else in this situation, where would I encourage them to look?

Journaling.  A daily writing practice can help us step back from the action enough to stop and observe ourselves. 

Finally, something that has been working for millennia… meditation.  This is the ultimate daily laboratory for learning to be a compassionate observer of your own mind.  By learning to still the body, center into breath, and calm the mind, we create room for the observer to take root.  But that’s a whole new post….. !

However you proceed, growing your inner coach will help you 

“Use your life to wake you up.”

– Pema Chodron             

And remember…..

Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

– Albert Einstein             

 “Treat people as if they were 
what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.”

– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe         

A story that builds on the basic concepts from Sunday’s post, “Grow your Inner Coach”…..

 When I was small girl, sailing off Cape Cod with my family, my Dad was wonderful about giving my sisters and I ample opportunities to stretch our capabilities.   At the helm, as I was learning to steer by a compass reading (I wasn’t tall enough yet to see over the cabin anyway!) my dad asked me if I was on course.  I said, yes, every time I passed it!   

In truth, I was steering all over the place, zigzagging back and forth, but I kept my eye on that point on the compass, and slowly, over time, with a relaxed hand on the tiller, I learned to narrow the range- instead of swinging through 60 points on the compass, I was swinging through 30…  soon it was only 20… and then it was 10… and I was mostly on course.

My Dad was an excellent teacher.  He did not berate me or become irritated when I was way off course.  Instead, he gently brought my attention back to ‘on course.’  I was able to stay relaxed, and in full learning mode.  I could stay curious and fully observant as I discovered cause and effect.   Early on, this was basic: when I push the tiller this way, what happens to the boat?  How does the compass move?  Then as I mastered the basics, it became more sophisticated:  how much pressure does it take to stay on course through a pushy wave or an extra gust of wind??

In many ways, my Dad was teaching me how to be my own compassionate observer.  It was abundantly clear to me that he believed in me, that he expected me to succeed, and that he would give me the space to help me generate that success myself.  He did not highlight my mistakes, but would instead nudge my awareness back to productive focus, and always calmly celebrated my successes.

Contrast this with a more reactive, or judgmental presence.  Had he yelled,  “Kim, you are way off course!” my body would have tensed.  I would have lost the “feel” of the tiller (the sensitive touch through which I could feel the power of wind and wave on sail and hull translate into subtle course changes.) Most likely, my natural beginner’s learning curve of overcorrecting would have been intensified.   And I would have been miserable, missing the joy of learning – and of sailing.

Notice the tone your inner coach takes.  Notice the directions your inner coach has you look.  Notice the effect on your thoughts, emotions, and actions. 

When you notice your inner coach is ‘off course’ in tone or content, nudge that inner voice back into gently noticing, observing, and focusing on where you want to go.

Soon you will be sailing right on course too!

“begin to think of yourself…
as becoming the person you want to be.”

– David Viscott  

Self-Coaching for Leaders: Growing Your Compassionate Inner Coach

(Part 1 in a three part series)

Ironically, high-level leadership sometimes brings with it a relative absence of high quality feedback from people skillful and insightful enough to truly challenge and support us to keep growing.   While seeking out and nurturing these kinds of relationships is vital, we can also attend to our own ability to self-generate learning, and to coach ourselves into ever increasing levels of awareness, insight, and action.

To get really good at self-coaching, we need two things: curiosity, and compassion.

Most of us have an internal self-coach already.  What does yours say?  In what ways is yours a true ally?  Where is there room for growth?

It is time to get curious.

First and foremost, great coaches are excellent listeners and observers.  So start by growing the observer muscle. 

Imagine having a video camera on your shoulder, so that you are both moving through your thoughts and your day, and you are also the camera, observing your thoughts, choices, actions, and the impacts all of these have on the world around you.

Next, add compassion.

Cameras don’t judge or berate; they simply observe.  For a time, your camera may well ‘catch’ you  judging or berating yourself!    No worries.  We just need to add compassion.

When we notice ourselves caught in a thought or behavior that we want to change, this is the moment for great shift:

We can either beat ourselves up about it, or we can celebrate that we are awake, aware, noticing, and able to choose again.  We can shift our thoughts, we can shift our choices, and we can shift our actions.

 None of us are perfect.  Even the masters have their shadows.  The question is how we will use the immerse power of our attention.

By shifting from judging (and contracting) to noticing, learning, and choosing again, (and expanding) there is more available to us.  More wisdom, more gentleness, and more capacity for right action.  Most importantly, we open to an accelerated, self-generating learning path.

Mastering this skill of compassionate self-coaching, we become capable of exponential learning.  We can access wisdom, and not just intelligence.  We can set ourselves free from a cycle of blame and judgment (both of which make us smaller and more contracted).  We gain far more ability to course-correct with gentleness and accuracy as we navigate through life.

So turn your imaginary camera on. Just get curious.  What do you notice?

Parts 2 and 3 to follow:

Part 2: a sailing story about learning and growing a compassionate inner coach.

Part 3: Practices for growing your compassionate inner coach.