To lead is to choose to be fully present, and thus able to access the best perspective – and the best course of action - in any given situation.  To lead is to make the most of what is.

Through practice, we can learn to access a calm, non-reactive attention that allows us to access choice and right action over and over again.

This quality of awareness is core to optimizing reality and to leadership… of our lives, and anything else we endeavor to lead!

If, however, we react reflexively out of our habitual, ‘auto-pilot’ patterns, formed through experiences over time, we can’t lead … we can only follow.

Yet, we all have some default reaction that kicks in when certain life experiences trigger us. We get “hijacked” by the autopilot settings stored in our neural pathways.

Some call this conditioned tendency, or conditioned response. I call it default setting, or autopilot. Whatever label you use though, the concept is a thick one, so I’ll say it again: if I unconsciously react to a situation based on my past experience, vs. being fully present in the current moment and choosing my response, then I am following, not leading.

To lead is to be able to choose our perspective, and thus our action.

So… how do we, in the moment, access a different frame? How do we generate a different way of perceiving, a different way of being, a different way of doing whatever it is that we do, vs. habitually doing over and over again what we have always done, even when it does not get us what we want?

First, get curious. Learning what our default setting feels like/looks like/sounds like is a first step towards being able to make a different choice.

Here’s a window into my primary default; see if reading this helps you identify your own. Some of you can likely relate.  Or, if this is not your pattern, see if the contrast helps you notice your core default:

Whenever I hit a tough spot interpersonally, every cell in me whispers… “Be an island…. Life is safer that way…”   I will reveal only competence, the way in which I ‘have it all together’, and project a flavor of “I don’t need anything from anyone…”.

I learned that shape as a small child, mastering independence and competence –academic, athletic, and later professional – and thus created an island of ‘safety’ around me.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a rich network of friends, colleagues, and clients. I belong to several great circles of support, many of which I have helped found or have led.

It’s just that I only let people in so far. That’s my autopilot: I only let people get so close.

What do I now choose to practice instead? Letting my humanity show, not just my competence. Accepting help and support, not just offering it to others. Relaxing into the gift of presence that others bring. Essentially, I am practicing a different choice: to fully welcome connection. So that’s my autopilot, and my new choice.

But to be able to explore new choices, it really helps to know what your autopilot settings are!  So let’s help you look at identifying your autopilot.

What are the ways you react over and over again, in similar patterns, even when it does not get you what you want?

Its time to get curious…. really, really curious! Go on a treasure hunt of awareness. Imagine having a video camera on your shoulder that watches you through your days… a compassionate, gentle watching, without blame of judgment…. that notices all that you think, all that you feel, all that you say and do. And notice: what are you drawn to? What do you move towards? What do you move away from? Where do you lose your temper, or your sense of humor?  Where does your body recoil, and tighten in closer to your spine?  What coaxes you open, into a more expanded state?

There are no good answers or bad answers…there is only the gathering of clues as you watch yourself.

Just be curious. Go hunting for your auto-pilot patterns….

So there’s your homework, if you choose to accept it.

Next post, we’ll explore how to shift… out of autopilot, and into choice.

When we can choose, then we can truly change. And when we can truly change, whole worlds open, that we never knew existed.

Happy hunting!

In any given moment, we have far more choice than we know. We all have moments when our reaction to external circumstances may feel like it controls us. These moments are precious teachers, for their very intensity wakes us up.

12/26/09: I am swooping along mountain roads that lace along the Kootenai River in remote NW Montana, on the way to visit cousins. We’ve been blessed with dry roads, little traffic, blue sky, and sunshine.

In these perfect conditions, I don’t notice the speed limit lower as we approach town.

A patrol car passes, does that distinctively timed braking and pulls a u-turn. I am the only car on this long expansive road. All bets are… he’ll pull me over.

How many of us know this moment, and the flood of emotions, and reactions, this may bring? In these moments, and in every moment of our lives, we have far more choice than we know.

For me, this moment is exacerbated by the knowledge that this scenario may well trigger nightmares for one of my children. I really care about this unfolding with grace.

Below, I’ll explain what I did in the moment, in that lovely mountain valley, with my family watching. In future posts, I’ll break down and expand each of the steps.

As I watch the patrol car turn, I notice my sensations. A rush of heat and prickly intensity rises through my chest, throat and face. Fear. I do not fight the feeling, but simply relax around it, allowing the sensations to flow through me.

If we can stay out of our own way, the bio-chemistry of emotion will flush from our system within 90 seconds. By not constricting against the fear, I let it wash through, and resolve.

I notice and choose my thoughts.

“He is going to pull me over. “ I am able to choose (based on much practice) this thought to think: “this is an excellent chance to practice” – my shorthand for practicing staying centered, calm, focused, and resourceful.

Our minds are like steering wheels, steering us towards the emotions we feel and the physiological states we access. We actually can shift perspectives, and choose where to aim our minds.

I steadily drop my attention to my lower abdomen, and consciously shift my breath pattern to slow, low, full, and relaxed. I proactively pull over on the rocky shoulder.

Our breath is a potent “re-set button” that we can use to shift into a calm, centered state.

Reassuring my children, I speak truthfully about what is occurring in a gentle, steady voice…. no blame, no shame… just the reality. “He is pulling me over. I was likely going a little fast. All is well. His work is to help keep us safe.”

The truth sets us free. Fighting reality is the cage. Choosing to see myself working with others, vs. against, gives me far more options in how I move.

I am not fighting “what is”: instead I am making the most of what I can influence.

When I accept “what is”, then I can make the most of everything that is within my influence and control.

I focus on being the most relaxed body I can be.

Our energy is viral: we literally are contagious with each other. It is as if our emotional state and physiological state is like a stone thrown into a pond, making ripples that reach out in every direction.

We are always making ripples. The question is: which ripples do you want to create? What are you actually creating?

On this Montana highway, I want to create a sense of safety for my children and a spirit of cooperation with the patrolman. I do not fight what is unfolding; I simply do everything I can to make this as graceful an experience as I can.

After a peaceful exchange, the officer issues me a warning, and we softly continue on our way. Within minutes, the town now behind us, clear skies give way to a mountain snow squall, our wide-open road narrows in a long canyon, and I am grateful…

for the officer who helped me slow down.

From calm center, we have infinite choice over what we perceive.

This is a simple path…. a joyous path… one that can lead to living with far more power, and more grace.

Where in your life are you fighting what is?

What might you ‘soften into’?

What situation do you choose to see with new eyes?

Where might aligning with the truth set you free?

“Individuality rises out of the soul as water rises out of the depths of the earth.”  Thomas Moore

Early in 2009, inspired by commitment to adventure and inner journeying by other friends, I took a deep breath, and planned: 10 days of solo paddling and camping in my spiritual home – the deep north woods of Ontario’s Quetico wilderness.

Why? Partially, to celebrate one year of independence, having completed a collaborative divorce (yes, this is possible) the year before, and one year of growing healthy inter-dependence with friends.

But honestly, I did not know why. I knew that deep solitude, was what I longed for. I wanted a chance to re-connect deeply within me, and with the world. A chance to let go of all the places I was still holding… still holding onto the life I had planned…. a chance to deeply accept the unacceptable. A chance to heal.

Before I went, I was nervous. If I injured myself in the wilds, and could not travel, it could be days or weeks before I’d be found. While competent paddling solo, I’d never paddled the small lightweight solo canoe I’d be paired with – I felt like I was going off to meet a mail-order bride!

So, despite my fears, what helped me go?

Luckily, I was not afraid of being lonely. I love the company of pine trees, loons, and night skies. I was eager to be out – my aloneness leaving no barriers between me and life.

I could remind myself that I knew what I was doing. For I truly did.

The pivotal moment though, in the see-saw of obligations and fears vs. longing and inner knowing, was a gift. A long time friend, paddling partner, and almost-husband from my twenties sent me a treasure of an email, encouraging me on after I queried him about my plans. “You’ll do fine in a solo boat.  Your strength and joy in that environment will glow radiant.  It is a happy thought.”

Thanks Rob. The power of truth. The power of gifts we can give each other. I did not believe him because he said it; I believed him because my body resonated with the truth of his words. My head might have its concerns, but my body, my deep inner knowing, knew he was right. This trip was about opening to joy.

Bone-deep certain now of my expedition’s value to reconnect me with my own light, I sought out gifts and loans from other friends to remind me of our connections – a simple spoon with which I ate each meal, a feather-light solo tent, a special sleeping pad. Words of inspiration in my trip journal. This one stands out, and I carried it within:

“Stay safe, and keep your heart open to every experience.”

Thus buoyed by friends, I did. Here’s what I found:

A felt sense of wholeness inside myself. In every cell, a sense of “being enough” – no longer searching for external approval, or love, or direction. A sense that I could be complete, in and of myself… connected with the vastness of life.

I was at home inside myself. At peace. Flowing with the rhythms from sunrise to sunset, listening to my inner guidance on where and how far to go each day… I found I really could take care of me.

Near the end of my 150 mile trip, I saw a majestic turtle swimming in shallow water just below me, sunlight revealing her multi-hued home. Three times the size of any other turtle I’d seen in the north country, she was deep inspiration to me – almost as if my whole trip had been to allow me to glimpse her there, at peace in those waters.

She carried her safety with her, wherever she went. She could choose when to extend out, and when to rest within her shell. So can I. We all can.

She was always Home. And so are we.

I grew this precious internal sense of wholeness, safety, and grace in the midst of sweet challenge – a cliff-steep trail, an insistent headwind across miles of open water, balancing on logs traversing thigh-deep bogs, choosing which rapids to portage.

For I moved through this country very differently than I had in my old tomboy days. I did not toughen against challenge, but instead softened. Every day, I took time to nap, softening my frame into granite’s sun-warmed embrace.

Moving this way carried me farther, with more joy, than my old tough-it-out ways. I found myself paddling as many miles, traveling solo at 48, as I had ever paddled tandem. The boat (a Bell ‘Magic’) had something to do with it.

But so did grace.

After five months of savoring the grace of my own vibrant shell and my circle of community, I am ready to write again. To share as generously and as widely as friends have shared with me. For I now know that this precious sense of fullness, wholeness, and safety that I found in solitude…. is here to stay.

What is the journey your heart longs for?

Where is your spiritual home?

What helps you feel more deeply at home inside yourself?

What support could you seek out to help your dreams come true?

What helps us to be self-loving, self-gentle, and self-forgiving, so that we are able to offer the same to others from a deeply authentic place?

Years ago, one misty Minnesota morning, an older and wonderfully wise Outward Bound student, having completely missed the bar on his own expectations for himself on the ropes course the day before, greeted the rest of us with these words:

“Today is a new day.”

Simple words, yet inspiring to all of us.  Bob spoke gently and firmly, with bright eyes and open strength.

He was giving himself a fresh start, a chance to begin anew, better aligning his expectations for the future with the lessons of the past.  He was taking response-ability for doing and being his best, while also being gentle by leaving yesterday’s experience of failure  behind.

That chilly August dawn, these adult students were preparing themselves, both inwardly and outwardly, for the final challenge of the course: miles of paddling, portaging, and running that would eventually lead back to Homeplace, the base camp we were starting from.  They would begin paddling and portaging in teams, then would do the final running leg solo, each to the best of their ability.

My staff role that day was starter and finisher; to send them off with inspiration, and to help them celebrate their success when they crossed the finish line.

I smile as I type now, 20 years later, still remembering Bob’s radiant presence as he crossed the finish line, body weary, and spirit triumphant.  It was not that he was first, or even fast; it was that he had given his whole heart. He had run without the weight of “yesterday” on his shoulders; he had run freely, carrying only his hopes and aspirations for today.

Best of all, for the remainder of our time together, Bob was a bright light in our group; his self-love and self-forgiveness, and resulting self-triumph, radiated a warmth and love to the rest of our circle such that more was possible for all of us.

What of yesterday do you need to lay down in order to be fully free today?

Where in your life could you declare,  “Today is a new day”?

For me, today I begin immersion in 6 days of Nia white belt training.  My “new day” declaration is to let go from most all of my computer time and inflows so that I can fully immerse in my Nia practice, in “the body’s way,” in order to absorb all the learning and healing I can.  Like most of us, I spend too much time at the keyboard and not enough time being fully alive.  This is my way to let yesterday be in the past, so that today, and tomorrow, are free to unfold.

It is my way to be self-loving, self-gentle, and self-forgiving, so that I can offer the same to others from a deeply authentic place.

What is yours?

Ever wake up in the morning, realizing the way you saw the world last night was just one way, one possibility, vs. the certain truth? That today can be a day of discovery, of new life, and possibility?  Have you ever realized you have seen another through your own fear instead of staying open, curious and welcoming to who they really are?

For, again in the words of Buddha,  “If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.”

As always, today is a new day.  On this particular today, delayed in Denver’s sun-filled airport, I’m taking time out to ask: what stories am I generating about the people around me, and the world around me? What barriers am I constructing that I can tear down so that I can experience life anew?  It’s a bit of a humbling inventory….

How do I know? 

I am a consummate journaler. I journal so I can watch myself. What are my thoughts and emotions? Which ones are accurate?  Which are not? Often, when I am writing, I fall in the trap many of us do: assuming my thoughts are true!

Here is one of the gifts of journaling: this morning, reading back into last night, I can see one thought – one fear-generated balloon that passed through my mind – which I snatched out of thin air and asserted as truth.   This morning, with the rearview mirror a journal provides, I can see that this thought is really only one possibility.

I won’t share the mud of the thought – containing our own mud is one thing a  journal is for – but this process served as a great reminder…. don’t believe everything you think!

“Keep yourself clean and bright.  For you are the window through which you see the world.”   George Bernard Shaw

What could you do to better notice what’s on your window?  

What will help you keep yourself “clean and bright?”

Where in your world might you benefit from shifting from blaming, or searching for blame, to learning?

Identify an issue, arena, or relationship that you are struggling with, and ask yourself: 

What do I notice about this situation? What am I learning? What might I do differently?

Where are you called on your journey?

I journeyed this weekend on a brief but deep women’s weekend retreat in the remote pine wood hills of eastern WA.    It was a worthy adventure.  

Where are you called to journey?  Cultivating leadership involves continuous cultivation of personal learning.   As leaders, many of us only lead well to the edge of our own comfort zone, so continuously stretching that zone increases the range of territory in which we can truly lead.

Over the weekend, we were immersed in creativity, myth, and metaphor, and far removed from computer connections.  Coyotes sang at night, wild turkeys grumbled to each other during the day, and the rain fell.

I was most grateful for the opportunity to paint in the warmth and glow of a wood-heated studio, my process witnessed by gifted facilitators and dear friends.  I was able to face the large, open canvas and let my life speak.  What do I love? 

Not holding any image or expectation, I simply listened. Which size brush?  Which color? Which shape?  

Gradually, I found myself reliving the last year of my inner journey – in color and emotion, unfolding under my hand and before my eyes.  At one point, surrendering to longing, I abandoned the brush, dipping my fingers into reds and yellows and allowed life force to flow through.  Layers of paint revealed greater complexity and nuance, and an emerging, maturing sense of grace.

When I was done, there was more of me.  Finally, growing up.

The reading, below, weaves into this story.  Welcomed into the retreat space with these words, I knew immediately that I wanted to share them.  However, there is a twist.    

Embarking on a year of reclaiming and growing into my own fullness, vs. searching for fulfillment in relation with another, and having recently finished the above painting of my own fullness, I initially mis-read one line.  “May the one you long for long for you”  I entered, as I typed before bed, as  “may the one you long for be you.”  Few letters, big meaning.

Hmmm.  I fell asleep in front of the fire, contemplating the possibility that perhaps life is best in when both are true.

This morning, I woke in the rain and slipped my way back down the hill to the painting studio.  I painted another painting. Or, perhaps more accurately, another painting painted me.  This is its own story.  To suffice for now though, what amazed me most, was to see, side by side, these two paintings, each representing a different read of that one line, and how potent the combination. Each, unique, complete, settled,  and whole.  And both, together, somehow more than the sum of the parts.

Where are you called on your journey?  

What will help you emerge into your own wholeness?

Where do you need to listen?

Turn up your inner radar, and read on….. (and revisit.. I’ll figure out how to post those paintings…!)

For Longing

Blessed be the longing that brought you here

And quickens your soul with wonder.

May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire

That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.

May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease.

To discover the new direction your longing wants to take.

May the forms of your belonging – in love, creativity, and friendship –

Be equal to the grandeur and call of your soul.

May the one you long for long for you.

May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.

May a secret Providence guide your thoughts and nurture your feelings.

May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which your body inhabits the world.

May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.

May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.

May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

By John O’Donaghue

What are the seeds of your longing?

What is longing for you?

“Observe, Notice, Course Correct”

“We are what we repeatedly do.”  Aristotle

What will help you be your own best ally?  The more you can coach yourself towards a vibrant spirit and healthy leadership, the more effective and satisfied you will be.  What will help you live “observe, notice, course correct”, with clarity and compassion?

Have clarifying coaching sessions with yourself.  Stop the action.  Step back.  Gently and clearly reflect on your thoughts, emotions, choices, and actions.  At its core, the compassionate observer pays attention.

·      What are you noticing?

·      What are you learning? 

·      What matters most?  

·      How can you best support your own success? 

Do this in a consistent time frame each day.   It is easier to form a new habit this way. By strengthening this muscle on a regular basis, the more available it will be in the heat of the moment, which is when we need it most! 

Most of my clients do this at the end of the workday, tied in with a reflective practice that helps them clarify their planning for the next day. Some people are best at this in the morning though, and some end their day this way.  You get to experiment: what works best for you?  Observe… Notice… Course Correct….  

Remember the tone and feel that you bring to this is as important as the questions you ask.  Let yourself  be curious, caring, and clear.

Start with observing.  You can use the video camera image, from the first part of this series, or you can guide your mind in the following ways, both of which can help you get ‘you’ out of the way:

Think about one of the most supportive, compassionate people you know, and see yourself through their eyes.    What do they see?  Where would they encourage you to focus?  (This is not about them; this is about you using your sense of them to help you see yourself through new eyes.)

Imagine that you are actually observing someone else, even though its really you that you are watching.  Then ask yourself, if I were coaching or mentoring someone else in this situation, where would I encourage them to look?

Journaling.  A daily writing practice can help us step back from the action enough to stop and observe ourselves. 

Finally, something that has been working for millennia… meditation.  This is the ultimate daily laboratory for learning to be a compassionate observer of your own mind.  By learning to still the body, center into breath, and calm the mind, we create room for the observer to take root.  But that’s a whole new post….. !

However you proceed, growing your inner coach will help you 

“Use your life to wake you up.”

– Pema Chodron             

And remember…..

Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

– Albert Einstein             

 “Treat people as if they were 
what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.”

– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe         

A story that builds on the basic concepts from Sunday’s post, “Grow your Inner Coach”…..

 When I was small girl, sailing off Cape Cod with my family, my Dad was wonderful about giving my sisters and I ample opportunities to stretch our capabilities.   At the helm, as I was learning to steer by a compass reading (I wasn’t tall enough yet to see over the cabin anyway!) my dad asked me if I was on course.  I said, yes, every time I passed it!   

In truth, I was steering all over the place, zigzagging back and forth, but I kept my eye on that point on the compass, and slowly, over time, with a relaxed hand on the tiller, I learned to narrow the range- instead of swinging through 60 points on the compass, I was swinging through 30…  soon it was only 20… and then it was 10… and I was mostly on course.

My Dad was an excellent teacher.  He did not berate me or become irritated when I was way off course.  Instead, he gently brought my attention back to ‘on course.’  I was able to stay relaxed, and in full learning mode.  I could stay curious and fully observant as I discovered cause and effect.   Early on, this was basic: when I push the tiller this way, what happens to the boat?  How does the compass move?  Then as I mastered the basics, it became more sophisticated:  how much pressure does it take to stay on course through a pushy wave or an extra gust of wind??

In many ways, my Dad was teaching me how to be my own compassionate observer.  It was abundantly clear to me that he believed in me, that he expected me to succeed, and that he would give me the space to help me generate that success myself.  He did not highlight my mistakes, but would instead nudge my awareness back to productive focus, and always calmly celebrated my successes.

Contrast this with a more reactive, or judgmental presence.  Had he yelled,  “Kim, you are way off course!” my body would have tensed.  I would have lost the “feel” of the tiller (the sensitive touch through which I could feel the power of wind and wave on sail and hull translate into subtle course changes.) Most likely, my natural beginner’s learning curve of overcorrecting would have been intensified.   And I would have been miserable, missing the joy of learning – and of sailing.

Notice the tone your inner coach takes.  Notice the directions your inner coach has you look.  Notice the effect on your thoughts, emotions, and actions. 

When you notice your inner coach is ‘off course’ in tone or content, nudge that inner voice back into gently noticing, observing, and focusing on where you want to go.

Soon you will be sailing right on course too!

“begin to think of yourself…
as becoming the person you want to be.”

– David Viscott  

Self-Coaching for Leaders: Growing Your Compassionate Inner Coach

(Part 1 in a three part series)

Ironically, high-level leadership sometimes brings with it a relative absence of high quality feedback from people skillful and insightful enough to truly challenge and support us to keep growing.   While seeking out and nurturing these kinds of relationships is vital, we can also attend to our own ability to self-generate learning, and to coach ourselves into ever increasing levels of awareness, insight, and action.

To get really good at self-coaching, we need two things: curiosity, and compassion.

Most of us have an internal self-coach already.  What does yours say?  In what ways is yours a true ally?  Where is there room for growth?

It is time to get curious.

First and foremost, great coaches are excellent listeners and observers.  So start by growing the observer muscle. 

Imagine having a video camera on your shoulder, so that you are both moving through your thoughts and your day, and you are also the camera, observing your thoughts, choices, actions, and the impacts all of these have on the world around you.

Next, add compassion.

Cameras don’t judge or berate; they simply observe.  For a time, your camera may well ‘catch’ you  judging or berating yourself!    No worries.  We just need to add compassion.

When we notice ourselves caught in a thought or behavior that we want to change, this is the moment for great shift:

We can either beat ourselves up about it, or we can celebrate that we are awake, aware, noticing, and able to choose again.  We can shift our thoughts, we can shift our choices, and we can shift our actions.

 None of us are perfect.  Even the masters have their shadows.  The question is how we will use the immerse power of our attention.

By shifting from judging (and contracting) to noticing, learning, and choosing again, (and expanding) there is more available to us.  More wisdom, more gentleness, and more capacity for right action.  Most importantly, we open to an accelerated, self-generating learning path.

Mastering this skill of compassionate self-coaching, we become capable of exponential learning.  We can access wisdom, and not just intelligence.  We can set ourselves free from a cycle of blame and judgment (both of which make us smaller and more contracted).  We gain far more ability to course-correct with gentleness and accuracy as we navigate through life.

So turn your imaginary camera on. Just get curious.  What do you notice?

Parts 2 and 3 to follow:

Part 2: a sailing story about learning and growing a compassionate inner coach.

Part 3: Practices for growing your compassionate inner coach.