To lead is to choose to be fully present, and thus able to access the best perspective – and the best course of action - in any given situation.  To lead is to make the most of what is.

Through practice, we can learn to access a calm, non-reactive attention that allows us to access choice and right action over and over again.

This quality of awareness is core to optimizing reality and to leadership… of our lives, and anything else we endeavor to lead!

If, however, we react reflexively out of our habitual, ‘auto-pilot’ patterns, formed through experiences over time, we can’t lead … we can only follow.

Yet, we all have some default reaction that kicks in when certain life experiences trigger us. We get “hijacked” by the autopilot settings stored in our neural pathways.

Some call this conditioned tendency, or conditioned response. I call it default setting, or autopilot. Whatever label you use though, the concept is a thick one, so I’ll say it again: if I unconsciously react to a situation based on my past experience, vs. being fully present in the current moment and choosing my response, then I am following, not leading.

To lead is to be able to choose our perspective, and thus our action.

So… how do we, in the moment, access a different frame? How do we generate a different way of perceiving, a different way of being, a different way of doing whatever it is that we do, vs. habitually doing over and over again what we have always done, even when it does not get us what we want?

First, get curious. Learning what our default setting feels like/looks like/sounds like is a first step towards being able to make a different choice.

Here’s a window into my primary default; see if reading this helps you identify your own. Some of you can likely relate.  Or, if this is not your pattern, see if the contrast helps you notice your core default:

Whenever I hit a tough spot interpersonally, every cell in me whispers… “Be an island…. Life is safer that way…”   I will reveal only competence, the way in which I ‘have it all together’, and project a flavor of “I don’t need anything from anyone…”.

I learned that shape as a small child, mastering independence and competence –academic, athletic, and later professional – and thus created an island of ‘safety’ around me.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a rich network of friends, colleagues, and clients. I belong to several great circles of support, many of which I have helped found or have led.

It’s just that I only let people in so far. That’s my autopilot: I only let people get so close.

What do I now choose to practice instead? Letting my humanity show, not just my competence. Accepting help and support, not just offering it to others. Relaxing into the gift of presence that others bring. Essentially, I am practicing a different choice: to fully welcome connection. So that’s my autopilot, and my new choice.

But to be able to explore new choices, it really helps to know what your autopilot settings are!  So let’s help you look at identifying your autopilot.

What are the ways you react over and over again, in similar patterns, even when it does not get you what you want?

Its time to get curious…. really, really curious! Go on a treasure hunt of awareness. Imagine having a video camera on your shoulder that watches you through your days… a compassionate, gentle watching, without blame of judgment…. that notices all that you think, all that you feel, all that you say and do. And notice: what are you drawn to? What do you move towards? What do you move away from? Where do you lose your temper, or your sense of humor?  Where does your body recoil, and tighten in closer to your spine?  What coaxes you open, into a more expanded state?

There are no good answers or bad answers…there is only the gathering of clues as you watch yourself.

Just be curious. Go hunting for your auto-pilot patterns….

So there’s your homework, if you choose to accept it.

Next post, we’ll explore how to shift… out of autopilot, and into choice.

When we can choose, then we can truly change. And when we can truly change, whole worlds open, that we never knew existed.

Happy hunting!

In any given moment, we have far more choice than we know. We all have moments when our reaction to external circumstances may feel like it controls us. These moments are precious teachers, for their very intensity wakes us up.

12/26/09: I am swooping along mountain roads that lace along the Kootenai River in remote NW Montana, on the way to visit cousins. We’ve been blessed with dry roads, little traffic, blue sky, and sunshine.

In these perfect conditions, I don’t notice the speed limit lower as we approach town.

A patrol car passes, does that distinctively timed braking and pulls a u-turn. I am the only car on this long expansive road. All bets are… he’ll pull me over.

How many of us know this moment, and the flood of emotions, and reactions, this may bring? In these moments, and in every moment of our lives, we have far more choice than we know.

For me, this moment is exacerbated by the knowledge that this scenario may well trigger nightmares for one of my children. I really care about this unfolding with grace.

Below, I’ll explain what I did in the moment, in that lovely mountain valley, with my family watching. In future posts, I’ll break down and expand each of the steps.

As I watch the patrol car turn, I notice my sensations. A rush of heat and prickly intensity rises through my chest, throat and face. Fear. I do not fight the feeling, but simply relax around it, allowing the sensations to flow through me.

If we can stay out of our own way, the bio-chemistry of emotion will flush from our system within 90 seconds. By not constricting against the fear, I let it wash through, and resolve.

I notice and choose my thoughts.

“He is going to pull me over. “ I am able to choose (based on much practice) this thought to think: “this is an excellent chance to practice” – my shorthand for practicing staying centered, calm, focused, and resourceful.

Our minds are like steering wheels, steering us towards the emotions we feel and the physiological states we access. We actually can shift perspectives, and choose where to aim our minds.

I steadily drop my attention to my lower abdomen, and consciously shift my breath pattern to slow, low, full, and relaxed. I proactively pull over on the rocky shoulder.

Our breath is a potent “re-set button” that we can use to shift into a calm, centered state.

Reassuring my children, I speak truthfully about what is occurring in a gentle, steady voice…. no blame, no shame… just the reality. “He is pulling me over. I was likely going a little fast. All is well. His work is to help keep us safe.”

The truth sets us free. Fighting reality is the cage. Choosing to see myself working with others, vs. against, gives me far more options in how I move.

I am not fighting “what is”: instead I am making the most of what I can influence.

When I accept “what is”, then I can make the most of everything that is within my influence and control.

I focus on being the most relaxed body I can be.

Our energy is viral: we literally are contagious with each other. It is as if our emotional state and physiological state is like a stone thrown into a pond, making ripples that reach out in every direction.

We are always making ripples. The question is: which ripples do you want to create? What are you actually creating?

On this Montana highway, I want to create a sense of safety for my children and a spirit of cooperation with the patrolman. I do not fight what is unfolding; I simply do everything I can to make this as graceful an experience as I can.

After a peaceful exchange, the officer issues me a warning, and we softly continue on our way. Within minutes, the town now behind us, clear skies give way to a mountain snow squall, our wide-open road narrows in a long canyon, and I am grateful…

for the officer who helped me slow down.

From calm center, we have infinite choice over what we perceive.

This is a simple path…. a joyous path… one that can lead to living with far more power, and more grace.

Where in your life are you fighting what is?

What might you ‘soften into’?

What situation do you choose to see with new eyes?

Where might aligning with the truth set you free?

Friday, I learned something completely new.  At 6,000 feet, bathed in bright sunshine and bitter cold, Gary taught us how to spin 360s on our skis. 

At first I thought he was kidding.  This was something for the instructor to show off with… not something for our mature gang of skiers to try.  

I was wrong.  “You’ve got to commit to flat skis.”  He was talking us through.

I was hesitant.  With my left hip my weakest link, I did not even want to try.

With my eyes dropped down, I gave a few half-hearted attempts, and then looked up, expecting confirmation that this would not work.  What I saw startled me: my older peers, some of them less practiced in balance and flexibility, starting to truly spin.

Hmmnm.  As a coach, I know willingness can trump ability.

This got me.  I’m not a die-hard skier, but my off-mountain fitness practices often give me an edge, especially when Gary teaches us tricks, like skiing on one ski.

So I committed.  I pictured myself spinning.  I felt a surge of playful energy course through me as I held the image.

What do you want to experience, learn, discover?

Where do you need to commit?

See yourself succeeding.  Feel the feeling success will bring.

Shifting internally from resistance to willingness, realizing I wanted that playful sensation – that look of delight on the others faces – I hunkered back into practice. 

Where is lack of willingness impeding your ability to make progress?

The secrets?  First off, flat edges.  The skis stay completely flat on the snow to allow rotation to happen. Here is the challenge: in most skiing, using ski edges pressing down is one the primary means to turn and to manage speed.   Read: control.   

This is one of those great life moments where attempting to control in traditional ways can be a barrier. To be able to pivot around, I had to be willing to let go of my urge to control the rotation by leaning onto the edges of my skis.  

Where is a desire to maintain control restricting your ability to allow something new to come to form?

Progress.  Partial turns.  Progress is good!  I was learning!  Something was still sticking though – even though I had surrendered my edges. 

 A new batch of skiers slipped by.  I looked up.  I rotated, on flat skis, while looking up, and I spun my first 360!

Balance.  Relaxation.  Alignment.  This is what shifted.  When I was hunkered down, I was trying too hard.  I had released my edges, but I had not softened into relaxation, so that my body could follow the initial rotational movement all the way to completion.  I was essentially still fighting myself.

I stopped and applied what I know.  I settled my attention and my breath into my deep center, and allowed my neck and shoulders to relax.  I opened up my vision to take in the wide angle (owl eyes.)

The next spins came with ease!  

Where might you look up, get perspective, breathe into your center, allow your shoulders to drop, and allow a new movement to come to form?

Another ah-ha.  Coaching, I know that opening up our physical stance, and relaxing those muscles we habitually hold tightly can help us breathe better, increase our oxygen supply, allow new moves.

Learning to spin on skis was no different.  Creating a relaxed centered presence on my skis, the spirals came with ease. 

 What do you most want to learn?

Freedom.

Every day, we have the freedom to explore, to begin anew, to generate meaning in our lives, value in our work, and value in our world.   Freedom to identify the choices we do have, and to live our lives from here….

What helps us remember our freedoms, both inner and outer?

After listening to President Obama on Inauguration day, I am conscious once again of freedom’s cellular role in shaping our country, and our culture.  Yet how often to we fully tap the healthy power that this represents in our daily lives?    The overarching and precious constructs of freedom woven through our Constitution into our political systems and society are worth giving thanks for every day.  Lets not take these for granted, for gratitude is a powerful practice in staying connected with our inner freedoms as well.

Freedom of choice.  This is the core construct.  When we shift our perspective around to the realm of choice, spaciousness opens.  We have room to breathe.  More is possible.  The smaller or more constrained we feel, the more important this perspective becomes. 

 Experiment:  your breath is a great barometer. 

• Notice when you are breathing fully, in an open and relaxed fashion.  

• What mindset are you in?   Chances are you are living in choice and freedom.

• Notice when your breath is tight and constricted, moving only high up in your chest.  

• What is your story in these moments about what is happening?  

Clues that we may have lost touch with freedom:

•  Problem vs. possibility focus

•   Focusing on what we can’t control vs. what we can control

•   In the interpersonal realm, I get focused Over There on someone else’s choices or behavior or communications, instead of focusing Over Here, on my side of the game board of life, on my own choices, behavior, and communications.

Here are questions to help open up your thinking in those tighter moments:

• What choices do I have?

• What freedoms do I have that I can access?

• Where have I made assumptions, or walled of possibilities?

• What am I learning?

• What is possible?

At any given moment, your breath can be an ally.  When its happy, likely your focus is healthy and generative as well.   When you breathing is narrowed, likely your thinking is as well.

 To intervene on your own behalf, you can access this mind/body connection from either end.  By deepening your breathing, you’ll have access to more expansive thinking, and by opening your thinking, you can generate more expansive breathing.  Which access point do you want to take?

You have the freedom to choose!