To lead is to choose to be fully present, and thus able to access the best perspective – and the best course of action - in any given situation.  To lead is to make the most of what is.

Through practice, we can learn to access a calm, non-reactive attention that allows us to access choice and right action over and over again.

This quality of awareness is core to optimizing reality and to leadership… of our lives, and anything else we endeavor to lead!

If, however, we react reflexively out of our habitual, ‘auto-pilot’ patterns, formed through experiences over time, we can’t lead … we can only follow.

Yet, we all have some default reaction that kicks in when certain life experiences trigger us. We get “hijacked” by the autopilot settings stored in our neural pathways.

Some call this conditioned tendency, or conditioned response. I call it default setting, or autopilot. Whatever label you use though, the concept is a thick one, so I’ll say it again: if I unconsciously react to a situation based on my past experience, vs. being fully present in the current moment and choosing my response, then I am following, not leading.

To lead is to be able to choose our perspective, and thus our action.

So… how do we, in the moment, access a different frame? How do we generate a different way of perceiving, a different way of being, a different way of doing whatever it is that we do, vs. habitually doing over and over again what we have always done, even when it does not get us what we want?

First, get curious. Learning what our default setting feels like/looks like/sounds like is a first step towards being able to make a different choice.

Here’s a window into my primary default; see if reading this helps you identify your own. Some of you can likely relate.  Or, if this is not your pattern, see if the contrast helps you notice your core default:

Whenever I hit a tough spot interpersonally, every cell in me whispers… “Be an island…. Life is safer that way…”   I will reveal only competence, the way in which I ‘have it all together’, and project a flavor of “I don’t need anything from anyone…”.

I learned that shape as a small child, mastering independence and competence –academic, athletic, and later professional – and thus created an island of ‘safety’ around me.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a rich network of friends, colleagues, and clients. I belong to several great circles of support, many of which I have helped found or have led.

It’s just that I only let people in so far. That’s my autopilot: I only let people get so close.

What do I now choose to practice instead? Letting my humanity show, not just my competence. Accepting help and support, not just offering it to others. Relaxing into the gift of presence that others bring. Essentially, I am practicing a different choice: to fully welcome connection. So that’s my autopilot, and my new choice.

But to be able to explore new choices, it really helps to know what your autopilot settings are!  So let’s help you look at identifying your autopilot.

What are the ways you react over and over again, in similar patterns, even when it does not get you what you want?

Its time to get curious…. really, really curious! Go on a treasure hunt of awareness. Imagine having a video camera on your shoulder that watches you through your days… a compassionate, gentle watching, without blame of judgment…. that notices all that you think, all that you feel, all that you say and do. And notice: what are you drawn to? What do you move towards? What do you move away from? Where do you lose your temper, or your sense of humor?  Where does your body recoil, and tighten in closer to your spine?  What coaxes you open, into a more expanded state?

There are no good answers or bad answers…there is only the gathering of clues as you watch yourself.

Just be curious. Go hunting for your auto-pilot patterns….

So there’s your homework, if you choose to accept it.

Next post, we’ll explore how to shift… out of autopilot, and into choice.

When we can choose, then we can truly change. And when we can truly change, whole worlds open, that we never knew existed.

Happy hunting!

“Observe, Notice, Course Correct”

“We are what we repeatedly do.”  Aristotle

What will help you be your own best ally?  The more you can coach yourself towards a vibrant spirit and healthy leadership, the more effective and satisfied you will be.  What will help you live “observe, notice, course correct”, with clarity and compassion?

Have clarifying coaching sessions with yourself.  Stop the action.  Step back.  Gently and clearly reflect on your thoughts, emotions, choices, and actions.  At its core, the compassionate observer pays attention.

·      What are you noticing?

·      What are you learning? 

·      What matters most?  

·      How can you best support your own success? 

Do this in a consistent time frame each day.   It is easier to form a new habit this way. By strengthening this muscle on a regular basis, the more available it will be in the heat of the moment, which is when we need it most! 

Most of my clients do this at the end of the workday, tied in with a reflective practice that helps them clarify their planning for the next day. Some people are best at this in the morning though, and some end their day this way.  You get to experiment: what works best for you?  Observe… Notice… Course Correct….  

Remember the tone and feel that you bring to this is as important as the questions you ask.  Let yourself  be curious, caring, and clear.

Start with observing.  You can use the video camera image, from the first part of this series, or you can guide your mind in the following ways, both of which can help you get ‘you’ out of the way:

Think about one of the most supportive, compassionate people you know, and see yourself through their eyes.    What do they see?  Where would they encourage you to focus?  (This is not about them; this is about you using your sense of them to help you see yourself through new eyes.)

Imagine that you are actually observing someone else, even though its really you that you are watching.  Then ask yourself, if I were coaching or mentoring someone else in this situation, where would I encourage them to look?

Journaling.  A daily writing practice can help us step back from the action enough to stop and observe ourselves. 

Finally, something that has been working for millennia… meditation.  This is the ultimate daily laboratory for learning to be a compassionate observer of your own mind.  By learning to still the body, center into breath, and calm the mind, we create room for the observer to take root.  But that’s a whole new post….. !

However you proceed, growing your inner coach will help you 

“Use your life to wake you up.”

– Pema Chodron             

And remember…..

Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

– Albert Einstein             

 “Treat people as if they were 
what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.”

– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe         

A story that builds on the basic concepts from Sunday’s post, “Grow your Inner Coach”…..

 When I was small girl, sailing off Cape Cod with my family, my Dad was wonderful about giving my sisters and I ample opportunities to stretch our capabilities.   At the helm, as I was learning to steer by a compass reading (I wasn’t tall enough yet to see over the cabin anyway!) my dad asked me if I was on course.  I said, yes, every time I passed it!   

In truth, I was steering all over the place, zigzagging back and forth, but I kept my eye on that point on the compass, and slowly, over time, with a relaxed hand on the tiller, I learned to narrow the range- instead of swinging through 60 points on the compass, I was swinging through 30…  soon it was only 20… and then it was 10… and I was mostly on course.

My Dad was an excellent teacher.  He did not berate me or become irritated when I was way off course.  Instead, he gently brought my attention back to ‘on course.’  I was able to stay relaxed, and in full learning mode.  I could stay curious and fully observant as I discovered cause and effect.   Early on, this was basic: when I push the tiller this way, what happens to the boat?  How does the compass move?  Then as I mastered the basics, it became more sophisticated:  how much pressure does it take to stay on course through a pushy wave or an extra gust of wind??

In many ways, my Dad was teaching me how to be my own compassionate observer.  It was abundantly clear to me that he believed in me, that he expected me to succeed, and that he would give me the space to help me generate that success myself.  He did not highlight my mistakes, but would instead nudge my awareness back to productive focus, and always calmly celebrated my successes.

Contrast this with a more reactive, or judgmental presence.  Had he yelled,  “Kim, you are way off course!” my body would have tensed.  I would have lost the “feel” of the tiller (the sensitive touch through which I could feel the power of wind and wave on sail and hull translate into subtle course changes.) Most likely, my natural beginner’s learning curve of overcorrecting would have been intensified.   And I would have been miserable, missing the joy of learning – and of sailing.

Notice the tone your inner coach takes.  Notice the directions your inner coach has you look.  Notice the effect on your thoughts, emotions, and actions. 

When you notice your inner coach is ‘off course’ in tone or content, nudge that inner voice back into gently noticing, observing, and focusing on where you want to go.

Soon you will be sailing right on course too!

“begin to think of yourself…
as becoming the person you want to be.”

– David Viscott  

Self-Coaching for Leaders: Growing Your Compassionate Inner Coach

(Part 1 in a three part series)

Ironically, high-level leadership sometimes brings with it a relative absence of high quality feedback from people skillful and insightful enough to truly challenge and support us to keep growing.   While seeking out and nurturing these kinds of relationships is vital, we can also attend to our own ability to self-generate learning, and to coach ourselves into ever increasing levels of awareness, insight, and action.

To get really good at self-coaching, we need two things: curiosity, and compassion.

Most of us have an internal self-coach already.  What does yours say?  In what ways is yours a true ally?  Where is there room for growth?

It is time to get curious.

First and foremost, great coaches are excellent listeners and observers.  So start by growing the observer muscle. 

Imagine having a video camera on your shoulder, so that you are both moving through your thoughts and your day, and you are also the camera, observing your thoughts, choices, actions, and the impacts all of these have on the world around you.

Next, add compassion.

Cameras don’t judge or berate; they simply observe.  For a time, your camera may well ‘catch’ you  judging or berating yourself!    No worries.  We just need to add compassion.

When we notice ourselves caught in a thought or behavior that we want to change, this is the moment for great shift:

We can either beat ourselves up about it, or we can celebrate that we are awake, aware, noticing, and able to choose again.  We can shift our thoughts, we can shift our choices, and we can shift our actions.

 None of us are perfect.  Even the masters have their shadows.  The question is how we will use the immerse power of our attention.

By shifting from judging (and contracting) to noticing, learning, and choosing again, (and expanding) there is more available to us.  More wisdom, more gentleness, and more capacity for right action.  Most importantly, we open to an accelerated, self-generating learning path.

Mastering this skill of compassionate self-coaching, we become capable of exponential learning.  We can access wisdom, and not just intelligence.  We can set ourselves free from a cycle of blame and judgment (both of which make us smaller and more contracted).  We gain far more ability to course-correct with gentleness and accuracy as we navigate through life.

So turn your imaginary camera on. Just get curious.  What do you notice?

Parts 2 and 3 to follow:

Part 2: a sailing story about learning and growing a compassionate inner coach.

Part 3: Practices for growing your compassionate inner coach.