What helps us to be self-loving, self-gentle, and self-forgiving, so that we are able to offer the same to others from a deeply authentic place?

Years ago, one misty Minnesota morning, an older and wonderfully wise Outward Bound student, having completely missed the bar on his own expectations for himself on the ropes course the day before, greeted the rest of us with these words:

“Today is a new day.”

Simple words, yet inspiring to all of us.  Bob spoke gently and firmly, with bright eyes and open strength.

He was giving himself a fresh start, a chance to begin anew, better aligning his expectations for the future with the lessons of the past.  He was taking response-ability for doing and being his best, while also being gentle by leaving yesterday’s experience of failure  behind.

That chilly August dawn, these adult students were preparing themselves, both inwardly and outwardly, for the final challenge of the course: miles of paddling, portaging, and running that would eventually lead back to Homeplace, the base camp we were starting from.  They would begin paddling and portaging in teams, then would do the final running leg solo, each to the best of their ability.

My staff role that day was starter and finisher; to send them off with inspiration, and to help them celebrate their success when they crossed the finish line.

I smile as I type now, 20 years later, still remembering Bob’s radiant presence as he crossed the finish line, body weary, and spirit triumphant.  It was not that he was first, or even fast; it was that he had given his whole heart. He had run without the weight of “yesterday” on his shoulders; he had run freely, carrying only his hopes and aspirations for today.

Best of all, for the remainder of our time together, Bob was a bright light in our group; his self-love and self-forgiveness, and resulting self-triumph, radiated a warmth and love to the rest of our circle such that more was possible for all of us.

What of yesterday do you need to lay down in order to be fully free today?

Where in your life could you declare,  “Today is a new day”?

 

For me, today I begin immersion in 6 days of Nia white belt training.  My “new day” declaration is to let go from most all of my computer time and inflows so that I can fully immerse in my Nia practice, in “the body’s way,” in order to absorb all the learning and healing I can.  Like most of us, I spend too much time at the keyboard and not enough time being fully alive.  This is my way to let yesterday be in the past, so that today, and tomorrow, are free to unfold.

It is my way to be self-loving, self-gentle, and self-forgiving, so that I can offer the same to others from a deeply authentic place.

 

What is yours?

I often write about the importance of stepping back and reflecting in order to clarify what matters most.  Today, I learned a different step back move though: taking a step  back from an interface with another when more space is needed, and extending care at the same time.   It is the “and” that makes this new.  So many of us know how to create distance from another, but to be able to do this with care is a different matter. 

Here are two poems that, in combination, may express this better than I can – one is by Mary Oliver and one by William Strafford.  The first helps capture that evolution into realizing we need to make a new move for ourselves, in which distance may feel necessary to be able to find and keep our own ground: the second opens the possibility that in distance, there can still be care, extended, like current carried deep.

 

The Journey 

by Mary Oliver, from New and Selected Poems

 

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their advice—

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

 It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save.

 

 

 

 

ASK ME 

by William Stafford, Learning to Live in the World

 

Sometime when the river is ice ask me

Mistakes I have made.  Ask me whether

What I have done is my life.  Others

have come in their slow way into

my thought, and some have tried to help

or to hurt; ask me what difference

their strongest love or hate has made.

 

I will listen to what you say.

You and I can turn and look

at the silent river and wait. We know

the current is there, hidden; and there

are comings and goings from miles away

that hold the stillness exactly before us. 

What the river says, that is what I say.

 

Where in your life might more space in a relationship actually provide a better shape for care?

What are 20 things you love to do?

Make a list. Reach back into your childhood if need be. Gather back together any disconnected parts of yourself.

For all of us, regardless of our roles in the world, when we ‘grow up’ we can sometimes forget those things that help us feel most vitally alive. Ironically, the higher our level of leadership, the more important it is to remember these things that help us feel like a kid again. Typically, we carry greater responsibility and have less free time, so it becomes even more vital to use that time really, really well doing things we love.

What do you love to do?

Freedom.

Every day, we have the freedom to explore, to begin anew, to generate meaning in our lives, value in our work, and value in our world.   Freedom to identify the choices we do have, and to live our lives from here….

What helps us remember our freedoms, both inner and outer?

After listening to President Obama on Inauguration day, I am conscious once again of freedom’s cellular role in shaping our country, and our culture.  Yet how often to we fully tap the healthy power that this represents in our daily lives?    The overarching and precious constructs of freedom woven through our Constitution into our political systems and society are worth giving thanks for every day.  Lets not take these for granted, for gratitude is a powerful practice in staying connected with our inner freedoms as well.

Freedom of choice.  This is the core construct.  When we shift our perspective around to the realm of choice, spaciousness opens.  We have room to breathe.  More is possible.  The smaller or more constrained we feel, the more important this perspective becomes. 

 Experiment:  your breath is a great barometer. 

• Notice when you are breathing fully, in an open and relaxed fashion.  

• What mindset are you in?   Chances are you are living in choice and freedom.

• Notice when your breath is tight and constricted, moving only high up in your chest.  

• What is your story in these moments about what is happening?  

 

Clues that we may have lost touch with freedom:

•  Problem vs. possibility focus

•   Focusing on what we can’t control vs. what we can control

•   In the interpersonal realm, I get focused Over There on someone else’s choices or behavior or communications, instead of focusing Over Here, on my side of the game board of life, on my own choices, behavior, and communications.

 

Here are questions to help open up your thinking in those tighter moments:

• What choices do I have?

• What freedoms do I have that I can access?

• Where have I made assumptions, or walled of possibilities?

• What am I learning?

• What is possible?

 

At any given moment, your breath can be an ally.  When its happy, likely your focus is healthy and generative as well.   When you breathing is narrowed, likely your thinking is as well.

 To intervene on your own behalf, you can access this mind/body connection from either end.  By deepening your breathing, you’ll have access to more expansive thinking, and by opening your thinking, you can generate more expansive breathing.  Which access point do you want to take?

You have the freedom to choose!